Uncomfortable Quiet
Discovering our system has happened at the worst possible time in our life – I'm moving internationally in a few days, have very little interpersonal support, and have been in-between therapists. The last couple of weeks have really reinforced that.
Safety in Silence #
About a week ago, we made a tough decision. We felt like our attempts at untangling what parts of us came from where, and what they needed was holding us back, occupying too much brain time when other things were more important. Working with our new therapist felt like it was opening up more wounds and bringing up more questions than it was providing answers for.
We sat down for an internal conversation with all of us, and made the decision that everyone but Zari would take a break from fronting, let them lead us through this transitional period, and revisit plurality once we're settled some. It seemed like a good idea, and initially the peace and quiet felt really nice and refreshing. We wrote on our personal blog "I'm Skylar. A person with a lot of complexity in my head, but a single person, nonetheless." which was certainly optimistic.
Grieving a Quiet Brain #
We weren't prepared for what that quiet would look like or what the pressure of fronting 24/7 would feel like. There was an enormous sense of loss for the parts of ourselves we were starting to embrace – Ethan's masculine presentation, Aimee's coloring and cartoons, Christopher's protectiveness and insight.
The loss felt so great that we became paranoid that our plurality wouldn't return when we wanted it to and we had done permanent damage our system. Worse, we became increasingly convinced that this was more about other people's comfort than our own. This all felt like a step backward.
Back to Normal #
On September 12th, we were laying in bed trying to nap when suddenly Aimee came to front, crying and confused about what had happened. You see, she wasn't particularly involved in the decision, and was scared about being gone for so long. That opened the floodgates, and our fronting patterns went back to how they were before all of this.
This shift came with a lot of confusion and doubt, sending us spiraling and debating if this meant we were making up our DID all along, which is silly given we're formally diagnosed and have been in therapy for it. The covert nature of DID is really frustrating in this way.
Moving Forward #
I haven't really processed what this actually means for us, or what we need going forward. Did we temporarily fuse, and it came apart? Did we force the others into dormancy? Was it just a stress response that was largely involuntary? We don't know.
One thing that seems a bit clearer is that we really value the individuality of our headmates – we mourned the loss of that complexity like losing a best friend or family member. Their return felt like family coming home.
We really dislike uncertainty and it feels like a large part of healing from trauma and getting to a healthier place with our plurality is embracing it. Healing is never linear, and plural identity doesn't follow clean timelines or rely on therapeutic milestones.
We're still figuring so much out – that's been the case since March when we discovered our plurality. This will be a multi-year journey, as much as we'd like to rush things along for stability's sake doing so just makes things worse. We're working on sitting in the uncertainty and becoming comfortable with it.
Our headmates have returned, headspace is slowly becoming more active and present. That feels correct and good, for now. We worry we'll be this unstable forever, but know there's a lot of work to be done and much room for growth. Being honest about how we're doing is a good step.
tags:
plurality- before this i wrote: two = 'more than one'